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 - No, I didn't make it back downstairs after that last Tweet.

- My parents' wineglasses are fucking huge and are not meant to be filled to the top. OH WELLS! I estimate I drank about a bottle and a half. I make my Four Cups COUNT.

- I don't really like to be drunk, but I do it when I have to. It's like, you know when people say, "I would rather stab out my own eyes than do <xxx>"? That's what the seder is like for me. My brain had two choices: beat itself in the face repeatedly with horrible (and delicious) toxins until I ceased to comprehend the agonizingly stupid discussion at the table, or crawl out my own ear and choke itself to death. I chose toxins, as any reasonable person would.

- I don't really enjoy the company of my extended family, no.

- Seriously. SERIOUSLY. "What do you think of the Mayan calendar coming to an end? The WORLD is going to end!" You're going to utter those words? Without a trace of irony? Before kiddush? Seriously? Seriously?

- "Every single war in history was caused by religion." Really? ALL of them? Are you really going to go there? I'm sorry I'm having trouble hearing because I'm drowning in candy-flavoured kosher wine. "It's the only reason for any war ever." Uh oh my brain is throttling itself better pour another glass. But before I go– what about communism? "Communism is a religion" OH NO I HAVE DIED

- Yeah, I definitely went upstairs, drunk dialed my boyfriend, sent a bunch of hilariously incoherent texts and Tweets, and passed out on my bed. I then slept through a phone call, four text messages and my mom coming in to turn off the light. I had managed to have about four bites of matzah ball soup before it was game over. Good thing I got an advance on my afikoman money last night.

- But now I'm awake and eating leftovers in glorious solitude at 4:45 AM, the way GOD MEANT IT.

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elana

December 2016

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