Dec. 7th, 2008

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 A week ago, Matthew put the colours into my hair. I went into the salon as Leeloo, and emerged...





... a flower fairy princess.

Some may say this hair is crazy, but I feel more like myself than ever before. Dark brown hair is very pretty and everything, but it's also quite plain. It also carries a bit of racial baggage, in combination with my skin and eyes; I was often called "exotic-looking", which made me feel fetishized, or made me feel like I was in the wrong body, because I certainly didn't feel exotic.

I sure as hell feel like a flower fairy princess, though.

Alternatively, in the midst of a flow of enthusiasm about how much he liked my hair, my friend Jordan gushed that it reminds him of those tri-colour popsicles that he loves so very much.

I like sweets, so I'm cool with being a popsicle head too.

Another upshot of having unnaturally-coloured hair is that my face can take a lot more colour. There's no longer any pretense of "natural beauty", so I can fucken slap on the eyeshadow and it only makes me look more kickass. I used to be totally unable to wear dark contour colours during the day, because I'd look like I was trying too hard. Now, it just makes my look more complete.

In fact... the only time I actually look semi-ridiculous is when I don't wear any makeup at all. Then I'm just that weird chick with the weird hair. You know what I'm talking about... the girl in high school who dyed her hair crazy colours in a last-ditch effort to be noticed, but was otherwise unremarkable. No one wants to be that girl. But if you have a complete look, with sweet makeup and interesting fashion, you're in the gold. Crazy hair mustn't ever be the only interesting thing you've got going on.

My new fashion role model is Zoetica Ebb, photographer/painter/model/fashion columnist/designer. I know of her via Warren Ellis' Internet hardons. He seems to have a taste for extraordinary-looking women. The blog post I linked to is representative, to me, of his idea of beauty, which is to say, beauty is about getting past looking human. "Too beautiful to be human" tells me, to be really beautiful is to transcend humanity. Zoetica isn't really about "natural beauty" in the barefaced-hippie kind of way. She's gorgeous in an exaggerated way. I'm actually burning to know how long her morning beauty routine is.

My exboyfriend was all about natural beauty. "Natural beauty, smooth lines", that was his mantra. He didn't even like the lace embellishments on my dresses. If it were up to him, I'd wear monochromatic satin all day, and no makeup at all. When we went to movies, I'd pick out the hot girl in the film and whisper naughty things to him about her — and he'd turn around and say, "I don't like her, I like (x girl)" where (x girl) is the plainest, most boring chick in the film. It got to the point where, every time he'd tell me I was beautiful, I'd feel an internal clench of horror, thinking, maybe if he thinks I'm beautiful, that means I'm actually FUGLY!!

Now that I'm single, I can be the kind of beautiful that I want to be. Luke and I actually got into fights when I would talk about cutting my hair short (SERIOUSLY), so I could never have considered wild hair like this if we were still together. No, now I can put my preference into attracting men like Warren Ellis, which involves making myself look as alien as possible.

Right now, I'm wearing red and black eyeshadow, with possibly too much black. I'm also wearing a shade of lipstick that I can't say I have ever been able to wear to my satisfaction: MAC Mocha. It's very matte, and browny-red. It always used to look too serious, too severe and grown-up for my style. But with popsicle hair, it makes my lips look defined and hot. The hair does a lot of the work in giving my face "punk legitimacy", so now I can wear conservative lipstick, even high-collared tops and long skirts, and it just makes the whole look a little more sophisticated or self-aware.

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